


Blue Walls

by MJosephine10



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn, because she..........moves into the same house, fitness youtuber with a successful but meaningless life, let's do this, meets an introverted grad student
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-04-12 04:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19124794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJosephine10/pseuds/MJosephine10
Summary: "All the chaos falling 'round/ I watch it like a movie that has come to life/Something kind of numb about the way I keep on drowning it out"-real love, carly rae jepsen





	1. Chapter 1

"Who is she again? -wait, hang on."

Dex Spellman- 28, single, fitness youtuber and entrepreneur, and, according to the website _Greatest Physiques,_  "jacked as  _hell"_ \- paused to smooth his blonde hair over his forehead and tilt his iPhone camera for the best possible angle of him and his Chipotle burrito bowl. His entire 6-foot frame froze with not quite natural but completely practiced ease. He examined the result and then tapped quickly and efficiently over the phone’s smooth surface.

Satisfied, he slid the phone into his pocket and reached for a tortilla chip. "You were saying something about your cousin-?”

"My cousin Lily. Her living situation fell through and she needs a place to stay. She's kind of in-between jobs right now and doesn't want to keep living at home.”

Joe- aspiring DJ, Hispanic, _sick_ video editor- was 26 years old. He was quietly handsome- dark hair and a small compact physique to Dex's broad, blonde appeal. The two of them together were a mostly seamless blend of business partners and friends. 

“I thought she could move into my space when I leave for my trip to Miami. It’d only be for a couple of weeks. I'll still pay my share of the rent and everything." 

Not that Dex, with his youtube channel and successful start-up company, needed the money. But it was part of their deal. They’d decided to rent a three-story sprawling mansion just a little ways out of Houston when they’d moved to Texas to keep growing Dex’s Youtube channel and brand.

"What's she like?" Dex asked around a mouthful of roasted vegetables. "I won't have to...talk to her or anything, will I?" 

"Nah, she's got a part-time library job down in the city and when she's not there she'll be in her room.”

Dex frowned slightly.

Joe hurried to explain. "She won’t bother you- she’s a quiet type, nerdy. Wants to be a writer or some shit.”

"Oh."

Dex too spent a lot of time in his room, planning out the next launch for the company, editing and re-editing videos, keeping up on all the other fitness videos uploaded by his peers. But the house was huge and Joe's rooms were on the other side of the house. It might as well be its own apartment. 

The line between his brows smoothed out. 

"Okay. That’s fine with me."

"Great, I'll let her know! My aunt will be thrilled." Joe reached for his phone.

The light from the warm Texas afternoon streamed in through tall windows at the front of the restaurant. The maroon paint of the walls seemed to deflect it without absorbing it but it touched on the people sitting in the booth opposite and glanced off a large poster opposite Dex. It was of an athletic, extremely fit man holding a sports drink and standing behind an impressive pile of weights.

 _How did Sean get advertising here, of all places? And why?_  

Dex knew he’d have to work harder if he wanted to keep up in this industry, expand his brand, challenge himself.

Something stirred in the back of his mind, a vague feeling, almost a memory, that he couldn’t place. He opened his mouth to ask another question about this new roommate but then changed his mind. 

He, too, reached for his phone. 

 

* * *

 

"Why are you leaving meeeeeeeeeee?"

Anna threw herself onto the pink bedspread covering the tiny twin bed in the room that she had shared with her sister for over a decade. She liked nothing better than dramatically throwing herself on her bed, even though it creaked a little under her athletic 17-year-old frame. 

"You know why, chica. And you're squishing Eddie.”

Lilyanna- 24, aspiring writer, Lily to pretty much everyone- pointed to the stuffed animal currently squashed under Anna’s ribcage.

“Give him a little room to breathe.”

As Anna pulled the gray stuffed elephant out from under her, Lily pulled her long dark hair into a bun and surveyed the mess that was their room. There were the usual signs of packing up a life, open suitcases overflowing with clothes, half-empty drawers spilling their contents, pictures on the wall and the floor taken down for the purpose of furnishing a new space. But mostly there were books everywhere. Books on philosophy and art and Catholicism, fantasies and romances and Victorian novels, classics, self-help books, biographies, manifestos. “If you want to write, read” one of her favorite professors used to say. Lily took him at his word.

“You know I have to be able to finish this thesis in peace and I can’t do that here.” She gently bopped Anna on the nose with Eddie’s felt trunk. “However much I might want to.”   

Anna did know it but accepting it was something else. They’d been roommates for their whole lives, despite what everyone said about older sisters eventually leaving. Lily had always been there, all through high school and college and even the first two years of her Master's degree, always listening more than she spoke to her parents' high-spirited fights and their younger brothers' play-fighting and Anna’s friend and school drama, but always funny, always kind, always _there_.

And now, even if it was temporary, even if only for a few weeks, she wouldn’t be.

Anna ignored the lump in her throat and the gathering mist in her eyes by pointing at an oil painting that rested against one of the two dressers. It was an ocean scene composed of deep blues, grays and hints of wild green covered in frothing white.

“You’re bringing _that_ with you along with all your books? It’s huge! Why? Do you need it to write?”

“I do actually.” Lily rested her hand on the gilt-edged frame and looked at the space on the wall where it had hung for years. “It’s peaceful. I’m leaving you the sunflowers though. I can’t take all our art with me." She turned to the pile of books she was trying to fit into a box. "But I can take all these because I know there's room. Joe said this place is _huge_. Why are you laughing?”

On the bed Anna was indeed giggling, softly, but her heightened emotions lent it an edge of hysteria. She was scrolling through her phone with one hand and occasionally dabbing at her eyes with the other. 

“I just pictured you bringing that picture into Dex Spellman’s house. I’ve seen his videos, Lily. I've seen his _house_.”

Anna had told Lily plenty of times about the YouTuber star who was soon to be her roommate. She had been as excited by Joe's proposed solution to Lily's living arrangement as their mom was worried and had done her research on what she considered a very famous person thoroughly. Lily herself had never seen his videos or his Instagram stories but thanks to Anna she felt like she had a rough idea of who she’d be living next to. _Next to_. That detail was important to Lily and what she'd told her mom to soothe her worries.

_You know these business people, mom. They're never home and I'll practically be in the next apartment. It'll be fine. And I'll have space and quiet to write this thesis and finish it like I need to._

Based on what she'd heard, she was grateful that she wouldn't be there long. 

"Lily, look.” Anna held her phone out to her, the picture on its screen that of a spare and seemingly endless living room with nothing in it but a long gray couch, TV, and fireplace spanning two corners. "Look at his walls, Lily. There is nothing on his walls." 

On the Morales' walls religious and secular art jostled comfortably with family photos, lively handwritten sayings, and scenic paintings. The concept of an empty wall was completely foreign to them. 

Lily turned to her packing, smiled, and wrapped a stack of books firmly round with bubble wrap that she carefully secured with tape. 

“There will be now. Do you think you can help me find a box big enough to put that picture in?”


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t until Lily was fully installed in her new rooms that she allowed herself to research anything about Dex. He was out of town scouting locations for an upcoming weightlifting competition so she still hadn't seen him. Joe had given Lily a tour of the house and extensive back yard and had helped her bring her boxes of books and pictures up to her apartment. She had professed to Anna and her mother with the full weight of her calm, eldest sister rationality that she was not interested in knowing anything about her temporary roommate/not quite roommate, but deep down she _was_ curious.

She was also very responsible and methodical so it wasn’t until she was as settled as she could be that she allowed herself to.

It hadn’t taken her long. Her bedroom was enormous and sparsely furnished. There was only a bed, a walk-in closet with plenty of storage, and, for some reason, a futon at the other end of the room. As Anna had forewarned, there was nothing on the walls, neither picture hangers nor bookcases, so for now she kept her pictures and books in boxes.  

She liked the room itself though. It overlooked a lake and she could see a swath of cool blue from the glass doors that opened onto a little balcony on the south side of her room. The space was good and wide and quiet, and for the first time in a while, she could hear herself think.

So of course for now, she googled.

Curled up on her bed with her laptop she typed in “Dex Spellman fitness”.

Immediately, there were thousands of results. He was more famous than she’d thought.

Dex Spellman, according to his wiki, born September 18, 1989, was a fitness youtuber, entrepreneur, and ‘public figure’. He’d started lifting weights in college and shared his progress on youtube in videos. He’d gained popularity quickly and before long was advertising for companies, promoting their products on his social media, and following in the only recently blazed trail of the popular fitness youtuber. It wasn’t long after that that he launched his clothing company _Ascensus_ and made being a fitness youtuber and social media influencer his fulltime job.

(Was _Ascensus_ Latin for ascend? Lily didn’t roll her eyes often but she did now.)

From what she could tell from his website, he was very successful and he seemed to do most of the work himself. His about page said that he didn’t have a team which was why he was sometimes slow to respond to customer service emails. He answered every one himself. Lily was skeptical of this but the longer she looked the truer it seemed. She knew that he and Joe were business partners and that he helped with the youtube videos especially but there didn’t seem to be anyone else behind the scenes.

It was only after she’d methodically combed through all of the information she could find and satisfied herself that he was exactly who she thought he’d be, a non-threat, that she watched his most recent video.

He was what she expected in that her expectations had been relegated to his looks. He was tall, extremely fit, and good looking if blonde, blue (green?) –eyed guys were your type. Which she guessed it probably was for a lot of people. He didn’t talk a lot in his videos which did surprise her. When he did speak, it was quickly and in a low voice. He didn’t joke much but he had a dry sense of humor. Most of what he said was related to fitness, the specifics of which she didn’t understand or care about, but she had to admit he was good and thorough explainer and quietly patient.

At one point in the video he started talking about his dad in relation to his business and the things he had taught him. From his use of the past tense she could tell that his dad had died, from Dex’s calm manner that it hadn’t been very recently, and from the sudden sincerity that filled his voice and that disconcerted her far more than the shirtless ads for various sports drinks she’d seen in google images that he loved him still.

She shut the laptop suddenly and with a strange feeling.

She had been telling everybody and herself that this wasn’t a big deal, that they would barely see each other, that she was merely staying in her cousin’s apartment for a few weeks and she told herself this all again now.

But already she knew more about him than she had ever planned. And it was with a little shock that she realized that he was a person. She was a little shaken.

She climbed off the bed—larger than her and Anna’s beds put together—and pushed open the doors that led onto the balcony overlooking the lake. Her thoughts wandered to the chaos and sadness of the past year. She had been living at home, working on the last year of her Master’s. Though she loved it dearly, it had been difficult and wearing. The house was too small, the tensions too high, and she’d felt increasingly drained.  

That was why she was _here_ —she needed the peace. But for a moment she missed the noise and chaos of home so much it was a physical ache.

She thought of the prayer her grandma had taught her to say every time she felt overwhelmed and she closed her eyes and breathed out as she prayed:

_Keep me safe, O Lord, under the shadow of Your wings. Keep me warm in the shelter of Your protection._

Her sensible side returned and briskly she turned to continue the final touches of her packing. From the last full box, she pulled out a stack of books, a little pansy china dish that held hair accessories, and a statue of St. Ann that had been given to her for her first communion and set them on the empty nightstand by her bed.

Ann’s peaceful face in the unfamiliar setting steadied her more than anything.

She decided she would go make lunch in the gigantic kitchen.

Though it was the one room both apartments shared, she had been assured by Joe that neither he nor Dex _ever_ used it so there was no danger of her running into him there. 

Not that it mattered. He wasn't expected home for at least a few more days.


	3. Chapter 3

A week later, Dex drove home through sporadic rain showers and patches of golden light falling across the road. It was an alternate route, a winding stretch of road twenty minutes longer than it needed to be. It was his favorite for the colors and open sky and room to breathe.

His phone rang and he answered it via Bluetooth.

“Hey Joe, what’s up?”

“Not much- just wanted to check in. You’re on the way home from Corpus Christi, right? How are you?”

Dex thought the last question was a little odd. “Yep, about an hour out. Taking the long way home. What’s wrong, Joe? Why’d you call?”

“I just wanted to remind you that Lily is going to be there when you get home. I keep worrying you might forget.”

Dex smiled at the worry in Joe’s voice. Joe knew that change and disruption of routine unsettled him.

And that was Joe. Always looking out for everybody.

“I remembered.”

“I helped her move and she’s had a week to settle in. It’ll be chill, I’m sure it won’t be a big deal. I just wanted to call to remind you in case you forgot and came home shirtless or something.”

“It’ll be great, I’m not worried. Got a shirt.”

There was a pause.

“Really, Joe. I’m good. How’s Miami?”

The conversation turned to the details of Joe’s business deal and the expensive hotel he was staying at in Miami but Dex’s mind wandered to the new person/not-quite-roommate waiting for him at home. His week had been so busy, he had had so much to do that he hadn’t thought about his new living situation very much. He was a little more apprehensive than he’d let on. He was used to the structure and routine of his life and someone else in the next apartment, however unobtrusive, would be a disruption.

After Joe hung up, he pulled the car over to the side of the road for the purpose, he told himself, of watching the sunset. If it was an excuse for delaying his arrival at home, it was a good one.

The rain clouds hadn't quite dispersed, but they'd parted and thinned out—giving way to a pure blue and gold. The sun sank in the midst of it all with definitive calmness.

He pulled out his phone out to take some pictures but held it idly in his hand instead of using it. He stood staring at the sky, leaning against his black SUV.

Traffic had almost completely stilled. The colors of the sunset deepened. A hawk flying past seemed to freeze for a second against the dappled sky.

Dex turned and got back in his car to drive home—no more detours this time.


	4. Chapter 4

Dex slipped in through the front door soundlessly. The entryway looked exactly as he left it, light pouring through the skylights and illuminating the tall and narrow space, the clean walls, and the table by the door on which he deposited his keys. Joe had made fun of him many times for keeping his keys by the door on an engraved tray intended for the purpose but he did it anyway. He also took his shoes off, fighting the urge to keep them on.

The living room, too, was unchanged—the same still space and corner fireplace, the only splash of color in a sea of cool grays and whites a red throw draped over the back of the long couch.

It was just at the moment that the perfectly familiar quiet was lulling him into believing that today might not be the day he had to meet his new tenant that he noticed the light in the kitchen was on.

The light that was never on.

Dex’s hands were full of duffels and travel bags that he’d carried in with no intention of making a second trip and for a minute he toyed with the idea of taking them upstairs first. He knew what the light meant. But he didn’t. Instead he swung them all onto one shoulder and, still holding the front of them across his chest, crossed the space of the living room and rounded the light corner to the kitchen.

Someone was standing at the stove.

The kitchen, a massive room with high ceilings and more skylights, was all whites and stainless steel and had a generous island running down its center. The stovetop was opposite the island on the side farthest from the entry so it was all the way across the room that Dex could see that the figure was wearing a blue skirt with a bow in the back and had long dark hair pulled back into a loose braid.

The details of the picture, somehow strangely familiar and yet so out of place in the never-used kitchen, were burned into his brain.

For a moment, he hesitated on the threshold.

The figure turned at the sound and he was met with a gentle face, a little reserved but still open, and appraising, but not unkind, eyes. The bow on the back of the skirt belonged to an apron that covered her thoroughly. He was completely at a loss for words.

Recognition dawned on her face in an instant. Flushing a little, she set down her metal spatula and crossed the expanse of the kitchen towards him.

“I didn’t know you’d be back so soon,” she said, holding out her hand to him frankly. “I’m Lily—well my name is Lilyanna but everyone calls me Lily. I’m Joe’s cousin. The one staying in his apartment.”

Her voice was gentle but she spoke decisively. A little bit like she was forcing herself to speak.

There was a pause and a silence. It was with a start that Dex realized he hadn’t spoken at all yet and that he was still holding her hand.

“I’m Dex. Dex Spellman.” And after a second he remembered to add “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

There was another pause. He could think of absolutely nothing to say.

Lily seemed to be waiting for him to speak. When he didn’t, she moved back to the stove.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m using the kitchen. I know both apartments share it but Joe mentioned you never used it.”

“Not at all.” Dex finally found his use of words. “I’m glad you are. What are you making?”

“A cheeseburger.” She gestured at the sizzling patty of meat in the skillet. “Just a hamburger right now though.”

Dex searched for something in his curiously blank mind for something to say that was not absolutely ridiculous and settled on, “This has to be the first time someone’s used this kitchen for actual cooking.” 

“Not that that’s a bad thing,” he hastened to add. “Feel free to use it whenever.” He looked down at the countertop strewn with food and dishes. “Though I don’t know where you got any of this stuff.”

“The dishes and pans were in the kitchen; Joe said they came with the house when you rented it. I bought the groceries though. There were only energy drinks in the fridge.”

Lily had turned from her skillet to a cutting board and was slicing a tomato with a large knife. Nearly horizontal rays of light from the setting sun streamed in the southwest-facing windows under a row of white cabinets and lit her frame from behind. From where Dex was standing, it looked like she was glowing.

Words had gotten easier for a bit but now they faltered again.

Lily seemed comfortable with the silence.

She busied herself with seasoning her skillet and then moved to the fridge to get some cheese. He could see the groceries she’d bought sitting next to the neat rows of gatorades and energy drinks that were organized by color and size. She’d doubled the lines of drinks on the top shelf to make room for the food but it looked just as neat as it always did.

The detail sent his mind spinning. She seemed so at home already.

She moved easily from the fridge to the pantry and then pulled a plate out from one of the many cabinets above the stove. She put all the pieces of her cheeseburger together in a few quick motions and then patted the top of the bun before pausing to look at him seriously. It seemed like she took a deep breath before speaking.

“I just want you to know that all of this aside," she gestured at the counter and stove, “I won’t be in your way at all. I have a library job on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I drive into the city early and come back late. And the rest of the time, I’ll be in my room or the living room, my living room, working on my thesis. Joe caught me up to speed on everything and I know the lay of the place. You don’t have to worry.”

Dex wanted to say that he had not been worried at all but that wasn’t true so he didn’t.

“Technically, I live in a separate apartment. I’m just here to do my work and let you do yours.” 

Her business-like tone set him a little more at ease.

 “That sounds great. I hope you have a nice time here.” He ducked his head and then raised it again quickly. “Please, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you out.”

He smiled, the first real smile of the meeting.

“I don’t think I’d be a lot of help with the thesis but if you need help there too, I’ll do my best.”

Lily smiled back. “I think I’ve got that part of it down. Hopefully anyway. And thank you. I will.”

The rays had sunk lower since he'd entered. They were nearly horizontal now and shining right in his eyes. Dex made a motion to leave and noticed for the first time that he was surrounded by his travel bags he’d dropped on the floor to shake hands.

“Would you like something to eat?” Lily asked, pointing to her cheeseburger. “I only made one but I could make another.”

“I’m good, thank you. I’m off to bed. Long day. It was nice to meet you, Lily…anna?” he added after a second. His voice trailed upward in questioning. Wait, she'd said just Lily.

“Just Lily is great," she reiterated. "It was nice to meet you, too. Have a nice night.”

He collected and reloaded the bags on his shoulders while Lily turned back to her cheeseburger.

Ready to leave, he looked back and saw that Lily was already sitting at the table in the breakfast nook off to the side, holding her cheeseburger in both hands and watching the deepening blue and gold of the sky outside the windows.


	5. Chapter 5

“…and that’s why we’re not speaking anymore.” Lily could hear Anna’s exaggerated sigh through the phone and the pain masked by it. Anna had been friends with the same set of four girls all through school and for the rupture of this group to happen right before her senior year was painful.

“You okay, hon?” Lily asked while trying to fit her copy of _Jane Eyre_ into a cardboard box. Her previously neat room was messy again now that she was trying to reorganize her books for easier accessibility. Her efforts were not incredibly successful. She gave up and sat down on the edge of her bed. 

“Yeah I’m fine. It’ll be fine. I miss you though.”

“I miss you too.” Lily’s voice was gentle. “But you’re going to come see me when school gets out and that’s not too far away.”

Anna’s school got out the first week of June and it was now mid-May.

“That’s true!” Anna’s voice brightened considerably. “How are things going there?”

“Oh they’re good. Fine.” And then—casually. “I met Dex.”

Anna’s shriek was ear-splitting.

Lily held the phone away from her ear and laughed.

“Tell me _everything_.” Her excitement was as palpable as her sadness had been just seconds before. “Leave no detail out.”

“Anna, I just met him once. There’s not much to tell.”

Anna ignored this and began with the questions.

“Does he look the same in person?”

“Well, you’re more familiar with him on screen than I am but he looked the same.”

“Tall?”

“Yes, tall.”

“Lily, _work_ with me here. What’s he like?”

“Hey, I only met him once!” Lily protested. “Hmm. He seemed nice. Quiet. A little blank?”

“Is he good looking?”

“Yes,” said Lily simply.

“You’re so matter-of-fact, Lily,” –this equal parts exasperation and affection.

“What else should I be?”

“Ready to be swept away! You do realize you’re literally living in a perfect romcom setup right? It’s like the most important part of _Pride and Prejudice_! It’s the Pemberley part!”

“I don’t think P&P involved a fitness youtuber, Anna. Or a struggling grad student.”

As she said it, she realized vaguely that the parallels actually weren’t half-bad, if _Pride and Prejudice_ were a modern classic. But that was ridiculous. And Darcy was much more likely to be a lawyer in a modern setting than a fitness guy anyway.

“You have to admit it’s a great rom-com _set-up_ though,” Anna insisted.

“Sure,” Lily conceded. “But this is real life not a rom-com.”

She moved to the center of the bed and resituated herself against a pile of pillows. She reached for the blue throw blanket she’d brought from home and wrapped herself up in it.

“Also, I’m sure he has a girlfriend.”

“Actually he doesn’t. He had one but they split sometime last year.”

“An _na!”_ Lily was laughing again. “One of us knows a little too much about his personal life and it’s not me. And whether he does or doesn’t, I have a thesis.”

“Oh how’s that going by the way?”

“Absolutely fantastic.”

“You haven’t started it yet, have you.”

Lily groaned. “I’ve tried! But no progress so far. I can’t find a space to work here. And before you say anything, I know that’s _why_ I moved here but it’s not working.”

“Did you hang up your pictures yet?”

“No. They’re still in their boxes along with the books.”

“Well, maybe that’s part of the problem. You should put your things up! I know Joe wouldn’t mind.”

Anna wasn’t wrong. In fact, he’d said as much when he’d described the place to Lily and emphasized that she was free to make it hers. And she’d packed the books and pictures with the intention of doing just that. She just hadn’t…done it yet.

“Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

“No. _Today_.”

Lily wrinked her nose. “Don’t you have a paper to write?”

“No, but I should go. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Off the phone, Lily gave her own exaggerated sigh and confronted what she’d been avoiding for a week—that in order to make this her space she needed to talk to Dex. She was in Joe’s apartment but it was still his house and it was only courteous to let him know.

Also, she would need help knowing where to buy what she needed. Houston was a new city to her, Dallas native that she was, Houston was relatively new to her and she wasn’t great with directions.

She wandered down to the kitchen to talk to him knowing full well he wasn’t there. She’d only been here about a week but she could already tell Dex wasn’t home. He was quiet but the space felt different when he was there.

She rolled her eyes at herself and called his number. She was composing the voicemail she planned on leaving in her head when he picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi Dex, it’s Lily.” She had to stop herself from saying Lilyanna, the name she always gave to strangers. “Do you have a minute?”

He did.

“I’ve been thinking of moving some of my things, my books and pictures, into Joe’s living room and setting up space for me to my work on my thesis. Is there any reason that would be a problem for you?”

There was a pause and Lily made a face at the ceiling.

“Not at all. That sounds great. And there’s some bigger rooms on the first floor if you’d want to try there instead. Wherever works for you. 

“Oh, okay! I haven’t seen those but I’ll check them out. Also, I need to buy some bookcases and picture hangers and wasn’t sure where to go. Any recommendations?”

“Oh, I’m heading into the city tomorrow. You could come with me and we’ll get what you need while you’re there. And load them into the back of my car.”

This was an astonishingly practical suggestion and one which caught Lily off guard. She hadn’t even thought about the fact that she wouldn’t be able to fit even one bookcase in her little beater.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“Nope, I’ll be there anyway. Tomorrow morning sound good?”

The ease and quickness in his suggestion tipped her off balance for a second—he was so much more assured than their first meeting—and she paused to consider that this would essentially be an excursion into a new city with a stranger.

Unbidden, Anna’s comment about perfect romcom set-ups echoed in her head.

Her practical side reasserted itself quickly. He was not a stranger. Joe knew and trusted him and she trusted Joe and this was by far the most efficient solution to her problem she could envision.

As for romcom set-ups, so what if this wealthy internet star was willing to help her with something so mundane? He was probably just a nice guy. Or bored.

“That sounds great, thank you.”

Lily hung up the phone and briefly contemplated musing on why he was willing to do it and working herself into a worry over it.

Instead, she sat down and made a list for what exactly she would need to buy the next day and then went to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

“Do you know what you need? Or want?”

They were sitting in the parking lot of Houston’s biggest Target, Dex with his arms draped over the steering wheel, Lily with a legal pad and a pen resting in the lap of her white dress.

“I think two shelves should be enough for my books and 3 picture hangers.”

“You sure? We could always get more if you need it.”

_We_. 

She still didn't quite know how to respond to him. He hadn’t said much on the drive into the city, other than a perfectly polite response to her insistence that she wanted to go to Target and not a more expensive store. It was easy to be quiet with him so, for the most part, that’s what she was. 

“I think I’m good. This is enough for what I brought. Also I’ve thought about it and I think I am going to set it all up in the basement. Joe said it was fine but really I’d feel weird if I took over his space and changed it so I like the idea of a fresh start.”

“A fresh start,” Dex repeated slowly. “That makes sense.”

“I was thinking the big room downstairs—the corner room with the windows.”

The house had a basement but as it was built on an incline the back of the house opened on the backyard. Lily had inspected the rooms after Dex’s comment on the phone and had loved one room in particular. It was spacious and perfectly blank, with only a couch and a coffee table in it. The couch, like everything in the house, was comfortable and new.

 

* * *

 

In the store, Lily found what she needed quickly.

“These,” she said. “Two of them.” She pointed at the boxes of collapsible metal shelves.

“Oh.” He sounded vaguely disappointed. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I just- it’s not what I pictured. I thought they’d be really tall and made of wood. With carvings on them or something.”

Lily did her best to hide a smile.

“That sounds amazing in a dream world. But these work for now.”

By “works for now” she meant “afford”. Though, technically, she couldn’t even really afford cheap Target shelving but he didn’t need to know that. Dex shrugged his acceptance and picked up both boxes with perfect ease.

Lily had to remind herself that it was his literal job to be strong.

 

* * *

 

It was on the way home that Dex asked her what her thesis was about.

Lily felt suddenly, overwhelmingly shy. The thesis, still only in its earliest stages, barely belonged to her and it certainly didn’t belong to anyone else yet. It lived in her chest, barely formed but still there, still _real_ , a knot of guilt, sensitivity, and pride surrounding it tightly.

The fact that Dex was sure not to know anything about it made it a little easier to talk about.

“It’s about Jane Eyre.”

“Jane Eyre? Is that the crazy wife one?”

Lily was dumbfounded. “You’ve read _Jane Eyre_?”

“No, but my mom has. She’s an English teacher. Used to be.” He seemed to be correcting himself.

It might have just been the way the light came through the sunroof but Lily thought she saw a shadow pass over his face.

“A thesis about the book in general?” he asked in a perfectly normal tone of voice. (Definitely just her imagination.)

“It’s about marriage. Looking at the way the Bronte sisters understood marriage as analyzed in their works, backed by my own understanding of marriage as a Catholic. And Jane Eyre is going to be a big piece of it.”

He was definitely not following her now.  

She twisted her hands in her lap, feeling suddenly deflated. 

“If I can actually write it, I mean.”

“You’ll be able to. It’ll happen.”

He spoke confidently and with complete sincerity. 

As they lapsed into silence, she realized that he was the first person she had actually talked to about her thesis, outside of her professor and some classmates. 

She didn't hate the feeling.


	7. Chapter 7

Lily had been staying at the house for two weeks and Dex had grown accustomed to not hearing her discussed outside of the house. Then, in one day, her name came up twice from unrelated sources.

One of his part-time helpers, a scrappy, shy 18-year-old named Georgie, was helping him stack workout gear in boxes for delivery.

It was a bigger collection of orders than usual and they’d been at it for a couple of hours.

“I heard Joe’s cousin is staying at the house,” Georgie said shyly. “What’s she like?”

The question brought Dex up short. His mind fumbled for an answer. The obvious answer was simple and short. “I don’t really know her but she seems nice.” He didn’t want to give it.

He was rescued from his own indecision by remembering that Georgie knew Joe, and more importantly was very interested in knowing him more, and was asking in relation to him rather than Dex’s point of view.

He settled on the clichéd answer.

Later that day, at the gym, it happened again.

One of his workout buddies, one of the most reliable members of a Dex and Joe trio, was helping him set up filming equipment for Dex’s next video when he asked about her.

“So what about the girl living in your house, huh? What’s she like?”

On the surface the question was the same as Georgie’s—almost down to the wording. But inwardly it made Dex recoil even more.

He spent a minute longer than necessary fiddling with the camera’s tripod, clean jawline set firmly.

“I don’t know her yet,” he said shortly.

* * *

Her boxes of books and pictures scattered around her, newly assembled shelving ready and waiting to be filled, Lily pushed loose strands of hair away from her face and leaned forward to inspect the color of the walls of her new study room more closely.

On first viewing she thought they were just plain white but up close she saw that there were odd flecks and streaks of grey scattered over their surfaces. In some places the streaks widened to uneven stripes.

She communicated this aloud to her phone resting on the floor next to her.

“I can’t complain too much but it’s a little bit of a bummer.”

Anna had been keeping her company on speaker for the last hour. 

“I’d like to paint them but that seems like pushing my luck. I guess I’ll just have to place the shelves strategically.”

She had gotten so much more than she had ever dreamed possible in terms of space, privacy, and help that expecting to be able to paint someone else’s (rented!) house did indeed seem like a step too far.

Anna, that dreamer of impossible dreams, did not think it too implausible.

“What color would you paint them if you could? Wait, don’t answer that.” She gave an exaggerated sigh. “I know the answer.”

Lily smiled at her pink-loving little sister, already annoyed at Lily’s predictability in color choices.

The answer was blue.


	8. Chapter 8

Lily did not paint the room but over the next few days she finished decorating it.

She covered her two new racks of shelving with her collection of books and in the intervening spaces on the walls hung her pictures. There was the oil painting of the ocean she had brought and a black and white picture of Jane Austen’s house in Hampshire. She also had one of her mother’s calligraphy inscriptions and two prints by Georgia O’Keefe, her favorite artist.

With most of the offending grey streaks covered up as best she could and her laptop and books spread out across the comfortable length of the couch, it was a very pleasant place to work.

She and Dex were starting to fall into a comfortable rhythm. They didn’t see each other much as their schedules did not often coincide but they were aware of the other’s comings and goings. Lily worked in the city on Tuesdays and Thursdays and always took Friday afternoons completely off. Dex’s work-related meetings usually ended about 3:30 pm. He left the house very early every morning, Lily slept til 9:00. They sometimes ran into each other in the kitchen—Lily liked to bake on Saturdays—but for the most part their lives didn’t intersect and they hadn’t really talked since their car ride home. 

Until one Wednesday afternoon in late May.

Wednesday was Lily’s most important of her “work-on-thesis” days and on this Wednesday she had taken this very seriously, working nearly non-stop with only the briefest of breaks for lunch.

Her thesis was actually coming along, proving to be not quite the impenetrable wall she had first thought of it as and more of the proverbial staircase of faith. She had to take one step without being able to see the rest of them and today she had been taking some serious steps. 

At around 4:00, though, her head was beginning to throb. She had just made the mistake of rereading her work from the morning and what she had written in a glow of passion only looked full of errors to her now and what had felt like a rush of golden eloquence turned out to be just a run-on sentence.

She needed a break.

As if on cue, she heard a knock at her door. Dex followed a second later.

“I just came from a business meeting,” he said. “And there were cupcakes. I thought you might like some?”

He held up a large white box to accentuate his question.

He looked dressed up, the standard business-casual khakis and blue button-down, but on him it worked exceptionally well.

He looked cool. Crisp. _Tall_.

Lily was suddenly conscious, for the first time all day, of what she looked like. Which in her own estimation was a mess.

There was a blanket over her knees—May weather notwithstanding the house was kept at very cool temperatures and Lily was always cold—and her dark hair was pulled into a braid that had mostly come undone at this point by the sheer number of times she’d run her hands through it.

The couch was covered in books, most of which she hadn’t used but whose original neat piles were now less neat. Discarded pages of a much-used notebook littered the floor. 

She felt suddenly very shy and also a little bit, a very little bit, miffed. She hardly ever saw Dex and that was fine but now? In the throes of her thesis-headache? 

She did want a cupcake though, and he was still politely standing at the door.

“A cupcake sounds great. You can come in, I'm sorry for the mess.”

She would have moved from her perch but before she could Dex had crossed the room and opened the box to offer the selection to Lily, who took a chocolate without looking at the choices in an effort to speed-up the process of what felt like being gallantly served cupcakes by an internet-star-turned-waiter.

“Can I ask how the thesis is going?” he asked, shutting the box and not, as Lily thought he was going to, taking one too.

Hours of wrestling with her work alone and the lack of human contact for 7 hours straight had left her vulnerable. She couldn’t even try to be guarded.

“Ughhhhh. Can I lie and say it’s going really well?”

Dex’s grinned at that, a sudden smile that flooded his face with delight.

“Absolutely. And I’ll believe it too.”

“It was going alright in the morning, really well actually, but I’ve been stuck for the past hour and a half.”

Lily closed her laptop and slid her laptop under the couch’s right corner, a habit from home she couldn’t break here even though the space made it unnecessary.

Dex was still standing so she nodded toward the unoccupied corner of the sofa and slowly peeled her cupcake wrapper back.

“Or maybe I just need a break. And a cupcake. Thank you, by the way.”

He nodded in reply.

“I would offer to help but I’m not sure if I could. Unless you needed a sounding board or something. It’s about Jane Eyre, right?” 

“Yes. Well, partly. It’s about the Brontes work in general but I’m working on the Jane Eyre section now. It’s—how do I explain it.”

Lily pulled her blanket over her knees and adjusted herself to fit more neatly into her corner of the couch. She pulled her braid over her shoulder and tried to decided how far she should take Dex’s offer of a human sounding board.

There was a part of her that questioned the wisdom of telling a relative stranger something so personal but the total disconnect between Dex and anyone else in her life from her circles of school and home made it easier. As did the fact that it wasn't his field or area of expertise.

Also, she needed to talk about it to someone. Badly.

“I said that my thesis was about marriage in the Bronte sisters’ novels, right? Well I’m looking at it in terms of compassionate marriage, an ideal that emerged in the Victorian era. An ideal that demanded a lot more importance be placed on love and tenderness between couples than previously. I won’t get into the nuances of it now but what I’m trying to argue is that works like Jane Eyre support the concept of compassionate marriage as well as caution against its dangers. Compassionate marriage, as the ideal, is at the heart of their books. It is _the_ heart.”

Lily had been working on, adding, subtracting, tweaking, refining this summary for a long time and it felt good to say aloud. It made her feel powerful.

“Okay, that makes sense,” he said slowly.

Lily didn’t know how far to believe this but he was clearly listening.

“And with Jane Eyre, I want to argue that her and Rochester’s marriage is an excellent example of a compassionate marriage especially in contrast with other relationships in the story. Rochester’s first marriage to Bertha isn’t compassionate and what St. John proposes to Jane later on definitely isn’t either.”

Dex looked confused now.

“Is Bertha Rochester’s mad wife- the one in the attic?”

She’d forgotten that Dex knew the story of Jane Eyre and had to fight the impulse to say “nice job” like she used to do in her brief foray into teaching.

“Yes,” she said instead. “That’s right.”

There was a pause and Lily took a bite of cupcake.

“So Jane and Rochester—they’re different.”

“Yes! At least they are at the end of the book. I don’t think they always were or even were headed in that direction at first. I mean—they _weren’t._ Even ignoring the whole secret-wife-in-the-attic thing, they weren’t true equals. Jane was poor and in his pay as governess. Rochester held all the power—power of knowledge, financial power. But that’s all changed at the end.”

“What happens at the end?”

“Jane is rich, or- at least financially independent and Rochester is blind. He’s stripped of much of his power and Jane has gained some back. The balance is restored.”

“Ohh.” He really did sound interested and not in a pretending-to-be way. “They’re equals again.”

“I’d say they’re equal for the first time in the book. Wait, have you seen any movie versions of Jane Eyre?”

Dex’s knowledge of Jane Eyre did not extend that far.

“I haven’t seen all the adaptations but in the ones I’ve seen they _never_ include their conversations when they reunite at the end.”

“This is not a good thing, I’m guessing.”

Dex’s face was serious but his eyes were amused.

Shyness and reticence had been swept away in passion for her subject and Lily’s usually reserved tone was full of passion and warmth. She spoke heatedly.

“It’s a terrible thing! Those conversations are the best part! They’re why Jane and Rochester are not what everyone thinks they are.”

“What does everything think they are?”

“That they’re melodramatic and ridiculous- if they don’t think they’re unhealthy and toxic.”

“But you don’t.” He was looking at her intently.

“I don’t.” Lily felt herself blush a little and for a moment considered retreating back into herself until she pushed the feeling aside. “At least not completely.”

She pulled at some loose threads in her blanket and smoothed out the creases she had been making in her excitement.

“They’re not without their flaws,” she continued in a calmer tone. “Just as the story is not without its flaws, some of them very deep. And in both cases that includes the flaw of melodrama. But that’s not their defining quality. Their defining quality is—honestly I think their defining quality is laughter. And teasing and friendship. A friendship between equals.

Jane comes back and it’s not just the meeting of long-lost loves, it’s the reunion of people who enjoy each other’s company, who delight in each other, it’s a meeting of friends. It takes some time for him to adjust to his own losses but he does adjust to them, he accepts them, and Jane teases him and makes him laugh, he learns to tease her back instead of purely moping and it’s good and it’s _real_.”

Lily stopped suddenly and took a deep breath.

She found she was suddenly shy.

A silence fell over the room and a swath of golden light, gift of a sun just now starting to set.

Dex was leaning forward in his seat watching the light gather, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together. The sun's rays caught some of his face too, highlighting the line of his jaw and the green of his eyes.

He looked up at her, across the length of the couch.

Lily’s heart gave a tiny, involuntary lurch.

“I thought you said you were stuck,” he said lightly. “If that’s what being stuck sounds like, imagine what you do when you figure it out!”

She laughed in response but shakily.

She felt emptied out, as she always did when she spoke passionately. Not in a bad way but like she had just run very fast and needed to rest.

She was saved from needing to make any response because Dex’s phone rang and he politely stepped out to take it.

She folded the blanket in her lap and re-piled some of the scattered books and the actions steadied her as did the renewed quiet.

She told herself, with near total truth, that she was glad the conversation was interrupted.


	9. Chapter 9

Lily went out of her way to avoid Dex for the next week.

Their paths didn’t cross much even without her trying but due to the shyness tugging at her heart she was extra cautious. Her thesis was deeply personal to her—the most personal thing in her life. And in discussing it so openly she felt she had given away a piece of herself that now she couldn’t get back.

She hadn’t meant to say as much as she did but she hadn’t met someone in a while who listened to her, really listened to her, like Dex did. It took her by complete surprise. Anna listened to her because she loved her and her parents were not uninterested in her education but a listener who showed pure interest in her subject the way he did was rare.

The thought flickered through her heart that maybe he was not _just_ interested in Jane Eyre but she pushed it away.

It was easy to ignore it in her work—dialogue and conversation exactly as she liked it best, passionate and logical and elevated, requiring nothing of her personally except her whole heart and mind.

She was nowhere to be found in it and everywhere at the same time.

She let herself get lost in it and found relief in the stillness that surrounded her.

* * *

 A week passed with no human contact except for a call from Joe. His business in Miami had gone well and as a result the timeline of a couple of weeks had transformed into a couple of months. He told her warmly that she could stay as long as she liked.

Lily was relieved to hear it, even though she felt a little twinge of guilt at not following through on her original plan of moving out quickly. She felt settled here and able to work and she knew another move would interrupt the flow.

She couldn’t risk never finding it again.

* * *

A few days later, Anna came- school having just let out for the summer.

Lily baked in anticipation of her arrival and the house smelled like cinnamon when Anna showed up with all her duffel bag, she would be staying the night, and a bubbling excitement that rolled rather than radiated off her.

She was ecstatic about the house, bouncing from room to room with such abandon that Lily was torn between laughing and wanting to force her to sit still so she could talk to her.

At 17 she had lost none of her youthful energy.

“Lily, it’s amazing!” she exclaimed in delight, on seeing her downstairs room.

It had transformed even more since she’d set the bookshelves up.

She had brought a desk in from an unused office space and put it under one of the corner windows.

(Lily liked to rotate between the desk and the couch for her writing, though the couch saw more use.) 

Strings of lights clustered around multiple picture frames and there were flowers in vases on the desk and coffee table.

Western sunlight streamed through the windows.

“It looks like _home_.”

Anna flung herself on the couch and pulled a spare blanket around her.

“Also it’s freezing in here.” She gave an exaggerated shiver and giggled lightly.

“I know. I don’t really notice anymore though. I prefer it to being too hot. 

“I’m staying here forever,” Anna announced after a minute.

“Fine by me. I mean, you’d have to let me work but it’s a big house. We could make it work.

“Hang on, I need to go check my cookies.”

It wasn’t until she was settled deeply into the crevices of the couch with her cookies and milk that Anna began her line of questioning.

“Soooo,” her voice lowered conspiratorially. “Where’s Dex?”

“Don’t know.” Lily said cheerfully through a mouthful of cookie.

“But when do you _see_ him?”

“I don’t usually.”

“But he’s gotta be here sometime! What does he do all day?”

“Anna, I don’t know. Believe it or not I don’t keep tabs on him.”  

Her usually gentle voice was a little sharp and Anna opened her mouth in surprise.

“Lily, I—

Just then, Lily’s phone rang.

She kept it across the room in its charging station on the desk—a tactic that mostly worked—to avoid distractions.

She had to untangle herself from her own comfortable perch to check the caller ID.

She froze at the sight of the name.

She hesitated for a second and then turned to look directly at Anna.

“Hi Dex.”

Anna’s excited gasp was still audible through the hand she quickly clamped over her mouth.

She mouthed “oh my gosh” at her as her face split into the widest grin Lily had ever seen. 

Okay, so Lily had said his name for that exact effect.

She rolled her eyes at Anna affectionately and, despite Anna’s silent gestures that she should definitely, absolutely stay, took the call outside. 

She was back in less than two minutes, the teasing energy of before entirely dissipated.

“It was Dex,” she said, a strange expression forming on her face.

“Yeah I gathered that. Well?” Impatience and excitement danced through Anna’s voice. “What did he say?”

“He- ” Lily sat down abruptly on the edge of the couch. “He asked me to go to this gala thing with him. In Dallas next weekend. It’s a fundraiser for…something.”

Her voice trailed off.

“As friends,” she added quickly. “Or. That was implied.”

There was a shocked silence as they stared at each other.

“What did you _say_?” Anna finally asked, almost quietly.

The line between Lily's brow that meant she was thinking deeply appeared.

“I told him I’d think about it.”


	10. Chapter 10

Dex leaned against the parked and packed car, waiting for Lily. His fingers hovered over a picture on his phone screen.

It had been about 2 months since he’d posted anything on any of his accounts and it was literally a part of his job description.

It was a perfect image, all clean lines and angles. Its caption was short and pithy, an acknowledgment of the fact that this was a sponsored post but in a friendly tongue-in-cheek way. In a way that let the audience in on the joke.

He looked up and saw Lily.

She had her hands full of bags, her dark braid pulled over her shoulder. She was wearing a green patterned dress.

Far away from her as he was, across the driveway and the flight of steps leading to the house, he could see a furrow between her brows, a straight perpendicular line as she tried to wrangle the bags.

He held the power button down on his phone until it was entirely shut off and slid it into his pocket.

She looked down and across at him, brown eyes met green, and her gaze was kind but inquiring.

“Do you mind helping with these?”

He realized that he had been temporarily rooted to the spot.

He moved up towards her in a rush and stopped two stairs below her.

She handed him a bag but its strap was tangled with another she was still holding. Its weight pulled her closer toward him.

“Here, wait.”

Lily leaned forward to untangle them but fell a little against his shoulder.

She was laughing as she tried to stand up straighter but that only made her laugh harder.

“Here,” she said again, reaching up to pull the weight of the bag off his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Dex felt incapable of movement again. Breathing was a little difficult too.

Lily untangled the knots in the straps and handed him one while she took the other.

“There, we’re good now.”

Dex didn’t trust himself to words.

So he merely opened the car door for her and gestured towards the empty front seat.

 

* * *

  

They didn’t talk much until late afternoon when Lily was driving.

It had been Lily’s idea that they take turns driving. When he seemed surprised, she’d added, “of course, if you don’t want me to drive because you’re worried I’ll crash, I get it.”

At the next rest stop, he had handed her the keys.

It was strange for Dex to be driven not driving. Everything felt shifted. Like he was in a liminal space. He felt suddenly tired but it was not a terrible feeling.

“So, Dex.”

“So Lily.”

He was surprised at the way his own voice echoed hers, almost teasing, almost familiar but it was the not quite real space of it all that made it possible. He leaned back in his seat and turned to look at her.

She was watching the road but she was slightly angled towards him in preparation of a question.  
Her hair had come loose from the car ride and the time she’d fallen asleep for a while against the windows.

“Can I ask you some questions?”

“Questions, plural?” And then, after a pause. “Of course.”

“What is this thing we’re going to? Exactly?”

“It’s a benefit gala for kids with cystic fibrosis. Some of my sponsors like for me to get out there and do charity work.”

He grimaced at the words almost before they’d left his mouth.

“Not that that’s the only reason I go—hopefully my motivation is a little purer than that. It’s just, my sponsors are the connection, I guess. My reasons are a little more personal.”

He paused and hesitated as if he wanted to go on but wasn’t sure.

“You can tell me or not tell me, either is fine,” she said calmly. “I’m just the weird girl staying in your friend’s space writing her thesis remember.”

“You’re not weird,” he said instinctively, shaking his head.

She blushed slightly and made a dismissive motion with her hand.

“And I don’t mind telling you. Actually, I have a sister with cystic fibrosis—two actually.”

“Oh!”

Somehow Lily had never thought of him as the kind of guy who had sisters.

“Do you know anything about cystic fibrosis?”

“Only what I learned from Five Feet Apart. Which wasn’t much.”

“It’s a genetic respiratory condition. My sisters are doing alright actually, not as bad as the characters in the movie.”

“You’ve seen it?”

“I have.” He smiled. “My younger sister made me go because our other sister didn’t want to.”

“What are their names?”

“The characters in the movie? I thought you saw it.”

“No, Dex,” Lily laughed, not unconvinced that he was teasing her. “Your sisters.”

“Emily and Anne-Marie. We call her Anna though. She’s the younger one.”

Mine too, Lily almost said but didn’t want to interrupt.

“Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic disease so there’s a 50-50 chance that kids of carriers will have cystic fibrosis,” he continued matter-of-factly. “They were both born with it and I wasn’t. They’re doing alright now but there was definitely a period where they weren’t.”

He stopped to adjust the air conditioner temperature, fiddling with the dial a little longer than necessary.

“This is some way I can still help and feel connected, I guess,” he trailed off at last, trace amounts of shame in his voice.

Lily guessed that he hadn’t seen his sisters in a while.

As if reading her thoughts, he admitted he saw them far less than he should.

“Where do they live?” she asked.

“Virginia. I lived there too before I moved out to Texas for the job.”

There was a pause and Lily wasn’t sure what to say but didn’t want to change the topic fully.

“You said your mom was an English teacher, right?”

“Yes—she’s retired now. After my dad died, my sisters had some serious health problems and that’s actually when I started focusing on my videos more.”

Lily breathed in sharply and distress transformed her face.

“It’s okay!” Dex said quickly, reassuring her. “I know that’s a lot of information to take in in 30 seconds.”

“I’m sorry,” she said slowly, realizing as she did that she already knew his father had died.

She’d read that about him on the internet when he was still a handsome internet stranger and not…Dex.

“It’s alright.” He took a deep breath. “That was actually when I started focusing more on my videos.”

Lily had a feeling he didn’t talk about this a lot.

“I’d been doing them before but I put more effort into them, got better, got stronger. I figured I could make some money off of them and help my mom out with the bills. And I did. And then it—it just took off.”

“And here you are,” Lily said.

“And here I am.”

The late afternoon light and an easy stillness fell over them. Silence with Dex was never difficult, Lily found, because he never demanded an answer to anything he said.

An hour passed and Lily let her thoughts wander uninterrupted. Golden light turned to dusky rose streaked with blue and the passing streets and fields became clearer in the falling light.

She turned to ask Dex if he needed to stop or drive straight on but saw that he was asleep against the passenger window, head on his hand.

He looked suddenly years younger.

Using the address typed into her phone instead of his fancy GPS, Lily drove straight on to the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me even though this has been SO LONG IN COMING. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon! i love you for reading. <3


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m still sad that you’re not going to wear a long ballgown,” Anna complained over the phone.

“Where was I supposed to get that?” Lily said pragmatically. “Also it’s not that kind of event. Much more business-formal.”

She put the phone on speaker and set it down on the ironing board.

“I’m not going to lie- part of the reason I agreed to go is because I have the perfect dress to wear.”

“What is it? Oh wait!” The pitch of Anna’s voice rose in intensity. “The dress you got at grandma’s? It’s PERFECT. You’ll look so great.”

“Right?” Lily continued ironing the dress in question.

It was an unassuming dress on its own merits, deceptively simple and plain on the rack but its lines were good and Lily knew, though not to the fullest extent, what her person added to it. Anna was right; she would look great.

“By the way,” Anna asked. “Did you tell mom you were going to this?”

“I didn’t. Not that I’m hiding it. Exactly.”

“Okay.”

Anna didn’t press further and Lily was not interested in being overly introspective. A voice deep down inside told her that her mom would have questions about her being here, about why she’d come, about her motives for accompanying her not-quite roommate, not quite internet star who was tall and good-looking on a spontaneous roadtrip. But she was not interested in facing them at the moment.

 

* * *

 

Dex waited for Lily across a cascade of windows that looked out onto rolling green grass dotted with occasional splashes of gold where dandelions bloomed.

People were milling about, the event hadn’t begun yet, but the evening light was gentle and clear and he felt the same peace that had overtaken him in the car—where suddenly reality felt softer.

He remembered with a twinge of embarrassment that when they’d arrived at the hotel she hadn’t woken him up, only started unpacking the car. She had seemed remarkably unfazed, only said goodnight, grabbed her bag and headed in to her room. Different rooms. Different floor, actually. Arranged by Lily in advance. There was no danger of there only being one bed.

He saw Lily before she saw him. She had just come down the stairs into the large room and was looking around her for him. She looked taller than he remembered. She wore a deep navy dress with pink flowers dotted over it and a belt tied at the west. Her hair was up in a loose chignon that spilled over in dark curls.

The evening light seemed to glow around her, drawing out the soft and sharp lines of her face, their sweetness and gravity. She looked like she had the first time he saw her, in the kitchen backlit by the sun, but she looked transformed too.

He felt his breath catch in his throat and something close to a pain went through him.

_She makes my heart ache_ , he thought with sudden, surprising clarity.

And then, half a beat later, falling through his thoughts with the irreversible thud of finality: I think I’m in love with her.

 

* * *

 

Lily stood on the steps to the room and drew in several shaky breaths.

She felt suddenly overwhelmed and out of place, facing a sea of athletic Instagram models in semi-formal wear and gray-haired business investors milling about.

“What am I doing here?” she thought as she scanned the room without being able to focus on anything.

Just as her breathing was growing shallower, she caught sight of Dex, tall and handsome in the corner, watching her with a strange expression on his face.

She felt relief flood through her. Unbidden, the lyrics from an old Taylor Swift song came to mind.

_Your eyes look like coming home_.

Lily hadn't thought of the song in years and in confusion she shook them away and came to join him at the bottom of the stairs.

As if on cue, the floor was clearing for dancing.

And Dex was standing in front of her with a look on his face that she couldn’t quite place.

“Hello Lily,” he said simply. “You look beautiful.”

She was suddenly aware of his appreciation for her, not forceful or inappropriate but frank and unmistakable in him. She faltered a little under the weight of it and felt her cheeks grow warmer.

He held out his hand to her and nodded his head in the direction of the dance floor.

“Would you like to dance?”

There was something different about him, something she couldn’t place. Something had changed, something was gone. The easy camaraderie, some veil that had been hanging between them, had been torn down and there was something completely new in his eyes.

Lily had a feeling that if she took his hand things would only change further.

She took his hand.


	12. Chapter 12

 

_This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go_

_I’m wonderstruck blushing all the way home_

 

 

Halfway out onto the dance floor, Lily felt the feeling re-enter her body, gone since she’d entered the room and wondered who this new Lily was. With it came a feeling of panic that she wasn’t actually a part of this world, but a nerdy academic with a penchant for over-analyzing love stories and not living them. In addition, apart from some goofing off with younger cousins at family weddings, Lily didn’t dance, always preferring to watch.

 

She froze for a second and thought about running but realized both that she had nowhere to go and that she didn’t _really_ want to.

 

Dex’s grip on her hand was firm and steadying, if a little dizzying. Like she was being drawn out to deeper waters but with someone who would help her when she could no longer swim.

 

It was a slow dance. The part of Lily that was still 13 years old wanted to run from the blatant intimacy of it all but gravity pulled her into it.

 

Once again, she thought of her mother and what she would say or feel if she saw her now. Once again, Lily pushed the thought away.

 

Dex turned to face her and pulled her towards him.

 

She leaned into him.

 

The music swelled.

 

_One look and I can't catch my breath_

_Two souls into one flesh_

_When you're not next to me_

_I'm incomplete_

_'Cause I'm on fire like a thousand suns_

_I couldn't put it out even if I wanted to_

_These flames tonight_

_Look into my eyes and say you want me, too_

_Like I want you_

 

Dex said nothing.

 

He had a way of doing that in a way that never stopped surprising her, of not saying anything of just being there, a presence she could lean on wordlessly.

 

There was nothing much to the dancing, after all. They fit together. It felt right.

 

She felt the weeks she had spent at his house snap into place and suddenly reveal what had been growing up in between the cracks, Dex in the kitchen, Dex on her couch, Dex in the car, mostly wordless except occasionally to be blindingly encouraging or funny, ridiculously tall and solid and perceptive, watching her, seeing her, really _seeing_ her.

 

And she realized with something like an aching, sinking feeling in her chest what it all meant.

 

The lights of the dance floor turned a sparkling purple, the artificial colors mixed in with the truthful glow of the setting sun. Everything was a soft swirl of color that wrapped them both around.

 

The moment was perfect.

 

Lily felt its perfection sink into her with a faint but still perceptible bitterness.

 

She pulled away and saw him watching her, even more closely than usual.

 

The magic of the night felt like a glass star just about to shatter.

 

“Lily, I need to—I want to,” he began but then stopped at the sight of Lily’s face.

 

She winced and stepped away from him.

 

Before she could stop herself she whispered, “please don’t say anything.”

 

Dex drew back instantly, almost like he’d been struck. The muscles in his face visibly tightened. His hands released her instantly.

 

She felt the lack of warmth instantly—a sudden, incalculable ache.

 

“No, I mean,” she faltered. “I didn’t mean—”

 

“It’s alright,” he said slowly but sadly. “I understand.”

 

And then, gently, “I’m sorry.”

 

And then he disappeared into the crowd, long strides taking him away from her.

 

Lily felt abysmally alone, the words “you don’t have anything to be sorry for” remaining on her lips, unsaid.

 

* * *

 

That night when Dex was finally alone he felt almost sick.

 

The remainder of the gala he had gotten through on muscle memory alone. He went through the motions, saying the right things to the right people. He could not avoid Lily all night. She knew no one but him and he could not abandon her to the crowd. He had returned and stayed by her side almost studiously. But all barriers had been re-established between them, a wall so thick he felt he could almost see it surround him.

 

But the effort had taken its toll and he was physically as well as mentally and emotionally exhausted.

 

Alone in his hotel room he felt again the pressure of her hand and saw her laughing smile. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as if trying to scrub the image from his brain.

 

What he couldn’t understand was the look of utter heartbreak that descended on her face at the moment she seemed to guess what he was about to say.

 

Dex was not used to rejection, to be fair. He hadn’t been involved with anyone for a few years and before that he had been quietly monogamous for long stretches of time. He had not had to approach anyone that way or approach approaching them in years, but he didn’t seem to remember heartbreak being part of the process.

 

Awkwardness, yes. Distaste. The pain of having to quietly shake your head no and say “thank you but no thank you.” Lily had shown none of the signs. She was quiet warmth and shy openness and then—heartbreak.

 

His heart did whisper that a part of her had wanted to say yes; a part of her seemed to be actually saying yes while another part of her said no.

 

But Dex, despite appearances, did not have anything approaching unshakable certainty that he was what anyone, let alone Lily who was like no one he had ever met before, was looking for. And he was willing to accept that he was the one who was wrong and that he’d misinterpreted her kindness as openness to something else entirely.

 

As he remembered her business-like tone in the kitchen on the first day, he didn’t struggle to believe that that was where she had always stood.

 

His phone lit up on his nightstand and he saw that it was Joe calling.

 

He almost didn’t answer it, but the length of time it had been since they’d last talked made him pick up.

 

“Hey man,” Joe’s voice was impossibly cheerful. “How’s it going? How’s Lily?”

 

Dex struggled to speak.

 

Then, and he wasn’t proud of this, he burst into tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen. 
> 
> 1) it's going to be okay. IT IS. 
> 
> 2.) You know that moment in Tangled? Just as all the lanterns start to fade and we go from joy to heartbreak? Yeah, that moment kills me every single time and I knew I needed this moment here. It will be okay though!!
> 
> Yell at me to update soon. <3


	13. Chapter 13

It was still early when Lily heard a knock at her hotel room door. Assuming it was room service, she answered it.

It was not room service.

It was Dex, looking taller than usual in the light that streamed from her open hotel windows into the hallway. He was dressed more casually than last night, in a light blue button-down that made his eyes look exceptionally green. His face was grave.

Lily’s heart flooded with pain and confusion that made her want to sink through the floor. That and the fact that she was suddenly conscious of her ratty gray t-shirt—classics nerd emblazoned across it—and shorts that functioned as her pajamas.

He was loaded down with bags. She was suddenly reminded of the first time she’d seen him, hands full from his recent trip, standing quietly but questioningly in the light of the kitchen. Oh that must mean—

“Dex,” she said in surprise.

“Hello Lily,” he replied, unfailingly polite as always.

She felt a new distance between them instantly.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving on a business trip. I know it’s short notice but a time-sensitive opportunity came up so I have to leave pretty much now to catch my flight.”

_Time-sensitive._ He’d spoken more quickly and more formally than he usually did with her. He also seemed to be making less eye contact than usual. But Lily allowed the possibility that she could be imagining that.

“Is the business friend my cousin?” she asked.

A look of surprise crossed Dex’s face followed by a small smile.

“It is,” he said. “It sounds stupid, but sometimes I forget that you’re related to Joe.”

He’d softened at that, more like the Dex of old.

Lily couldn’t stop an answering smile.

“I showed up at your house after he’d already left; I understand forgetting the connection.”

He grinned a grin that split his face right open.

“I know. You just manifested in my kitchen. That and the fact that you and Joe are so different.”

She felt a tug of their old connection between them, the comfort she didn’t even know she’d come to rely on.

Lily was about to speak, but he inhaled sharply and stepped away. The warmth faded from his eyes a little.

“I’m sorry this is last minute. I have the car downstairs. I can hire someone to drive you back out or…I don’t mind if you drive yourself back. Whichever you prefer.”

The formality had returned.

“Do you mind if I drive myself back? I know the way. I’ve done this drive lots of times. If you really don’t mind.”

Dex retrieved his keys from his pocket and put them in the palm of Lily’s hand.

“Don’t worry, I trust you.”

With a small, strained smile, he disappeared down the long hallway.

 

* * *

 

Lily felt enormous relief at the prospect of driving back alone. The kind you feel when after a long time of wanting to crawl into a sheltering space and have no one see you and no one talk to you for an undetermined amount of time and then are finally able to.

In the big black SUV pulling out of the hotel parking lot and into the Dallas traffic, Lily welcomed the chance to be completely alone for the drive back. She’d always liked solitude. That was the reason she’d moved in the first place: to be alone and think.

Her mind flashed back to Dex’s quiet “I trust you” and the keys dropping into her hand. She decided not to think and put all of Taylor Swift’s discography on shuffle instead.

She lost herself in the drive, indeed familiar to her after countless family roadtrips and visits to Dallas-dwelling friends, and in the rhythm, the melody, and most of all the words, carved on her heart as they were.

 

_And when you find everything you look for, I hope your life leads you back to my door, but if it don’t—stay beautiful_

 

_And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless_

 

_Is it cool that I said all that, is it chill that you’re in my head_

 

_I think that it’s best if we both stay_

 

_I never saw you coming and I’ll never be the same_

 

The outside world rolled past, the miles rolled by, and time seemed suspended.

The beginning relief faded and thought returned. She knew that something was missing. It had echoed all over the albums, called her out in every line.

She thought she’d only craved solitude and isolation but the truth was that wasn’t what she’d found. She’d found peace but never loneliness. And that had made all the difference.

Here, now, the silence ached. Her eyes welled with tears that wouldn’t quite spill over.

If she was locked out, it was no one’s fault but hers. But the loss still stung all the more for that. If she had had more energy, she would have been angry at the seeming insignificance of what had happened and the disproportion of the pain on both sides.

What had really happened? Nothing. Dex had almost said something. But he hadn’t. Lily had almost said something in response. But she hadn’t.

_But you did_ , a voice inside her whispered.

She and Dex had never talked, not much, that was true. Mostly only the surface-level things. But they had fallen into an understanding that was as much about the meeting of souls as it was not (really) about words. She felt comfortable around him. Safe. At peace. And because he only acted and didn’t speak the illusion had been easy to sustain in their little bubble that both his wealth and naturally discrete personality had made possible until he had had to speak. And then she had had to stop him.

She felt wretched inside. It wasn’t that she had wanted to say no—it’s that she’d never truly contemplated saying yes and so when a moment came when she might have had to speak she’d panicked.

She had explained nothing to him, about herself, her circumstances, her priorities, what was most important to her. There was no way they would ever work, no way she would fit into his life or he into hers. It was impossible.

And she knew nothing about him. Nothing except the way the sunlight slanted across his green eyes, and the line of his jaw against the blue. And the way she felt when he walked into a room. A lurch in her stomach, a feeling like she’d been flooded with sunshine.

She knew nothing about him. Only everything.

_Begin Again_ started to play over the speakers.

_And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid I think it’s strange that you think I’m funny cause he never did_

She pulled into Dex’s drive just as the clouds in the western sky started to be stained with pink.

She parked the car and put her head down on the steering wheel.

Tears leaked noiselessly out of her eyes. She rarely cried out loud and she didn’t now, though there was no one to hear her even if she had.

She felt overwhelmingly foolish and very, very tired.

_What if I just ran away?_ she thought.

It was the coward’s way, she knew. Cheap. Unfair. _Despicable_.

Hours later, when the sky had deepened to a midnight blue just beginning to be sprinkled with stars, she pulled out of the parking lot in her little beater, her things packed into the backseat and trunk, a handwritten note left in the kitchen table.

Her pictures she left hanging in the downstairs room.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a romcom about a fitness YouTuber with lots of money and an empty, meaningless life and the girl who moves into the second apartment in his mansion for a couple of weeks and….slowly changes everything. I (will try to, will work very hard to, might not always make it but will shoot for being able to) update on Thursdays! Please comment with questions, thoughts, or even just excited squeeing, if you want. I'd love you to come on this journey with me!!!


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